He wanted to make sure馃槀
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
A couple who are silly together stay together.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I鈥檓 not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we鈥檙e talking
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 馃檨
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 馃檭
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Don鈥檛 get mad. Get windchimes.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.