my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I have a black belt in leather
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*