Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
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I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.