She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
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If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Look at this
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Brilliant!
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩