GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
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According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
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someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
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My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
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Trevor: That’s not always practic—
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Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
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Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
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Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
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[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
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