Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
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A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
me doing my best
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.