Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this