The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
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Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!