Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
This January has 47 Mondays
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”