but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
You Might Also Like
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Smile they said.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.