Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will