I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
secret recipe
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.