Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese