[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
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“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
lol
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot