What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
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art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Feel. He’s so soft.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what