Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
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They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.