How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus