“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
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This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho