You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
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My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy