Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
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You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
motivation
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.