12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
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Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*