The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
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When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.