fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
You Might Also Like
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”