Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
excuse me
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy