Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
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I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Very good news from my accountant
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.