Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Straight people are cancelled
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math