“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point