Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
You Might Also Like
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.