“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG