[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha