Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
How to woo a woman
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist