My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
You Might Also Like
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”