Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.