imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
reviewed some movies recently
this is 10/10 content no notes
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation