Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?