Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
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I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.