My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.