[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.