Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no