when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Webb. James Webb.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.