Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
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ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”