boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?