Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
dream blunt rotation
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.