I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
You Might Also Like
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you