Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Sponch
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Someone just threatened to call me later
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Hell yeah 👍
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.