Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.