[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
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*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting