Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.