If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
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John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
lmao
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
This is true.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.