Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
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I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Raisins are grape jerky.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Noah was an idiot.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.